By Brent Gordon, SJ

The story of my vocation as a Jesuit Brother is tied in with my joining the Church. I did not grow up a Catholic but was baptized at the age of twenty-two. After completing my undergraduate degree in Classics and Religion – I have always had an interest in religion and in stories – I remained at the university to earn a graduate degree in the history of religion. Though I was fascinated by the concept of religion and by expressions of faith, I had treated it academically, as something removed from me personally. As I began my graduate studies, however, that approach was no longer satisfying. My journey brought me to the Catholic Church and, though I did not know it at the time, to a new direction for my life.

At the time I joined the Church, I had no real thoughts of ministry; however, several months into my new life as a Catholic I felt called to pursue a life of service. Though I knew that religious existed – Jesuits, Franciscans, Benedictines, Dominicans, and others – I had no real experience with any members of these orders. It is therefore perhaps not surprising that, feeling called to a life of service in the Church, I joined the seminary to be a diocesan priest. I spent three years in the seminary and, while I was not unhappy, I became more and more interested in the vows of poverty, chastity, and obedience as well as community life. Eventually this led to a decision to leave the seminary and discern the possibility of joining the Society of Jesus. After teaching religion and writing at a local parish school for a year, I decided to apply.

When filling out the application to join the Jesuits one is asked to mark if they desire to enter to be a priest, a brother, or “indifferent” (meaning that they will come to a decision over the course of their novitiate). I had never thought about becoming a brother; however, I kept pausing at the question and did not feel comfortable marking “priest”. Ultimately, I applied to enter as “indifferent” and joined the novitiate. Even so, soon after entering the Society, I kept going to the Lord in prayer and asking for clarity on the question. The result was broad swings from feeling called to priesthood one day and to becoming a religious brother the next. Finally, I went to the Director of novices, who sent me to the Socius of the novitiate, himself a Jesuit Brother. When I told him what I was experiencing his response took me by surprise: “Why do keep asking the Lord? You said you are indifferent. Be indifferent.”

Without thinking I responded, “Because I am afraid if I stay indifferent, I will just end up becoming a priest by default.”

“Well,” he replied, “if you are afraid of that happening, maybe you are not actually indifferent.”

I left the Socius’ office, went back to the Director of novices, and told him that I wanted to be a Jesuit Brother. From that time on I have felt great consolation around my vocation and have never thought again about becoming a priest.

Of course, it is one thing to feel at home in one’s vocation and another entirely to know what that vocation means, or rather, what it does. While the priesthood is marked by the performance of the sacraments it is more difficult to say what a brother does uniquely. After all, my own time in the Society has seen me serve as a teacher, plumber, spiritual director for retreats, doctoral student, minister of a Jesuit community and, now, assistant editor of IHSI Publications (the Society’s publishing imprint housed within the Roman Archives of the Society). Any of my jobs could have also been done by a Jesuit who is a priest or scholastic or, for that matter, by someone who is not a Jesuit or religious at all!

In the end I realized, it is not the job that makes one a Jesuit Brother, it is the vows, the relationship with the Lord. It is not a question of feeling called to a certain type of work and therefore feeling called to be a brother; it is for me a question of the type of relationship I am called to have with God and with other people, most especially with other Jesuits. For me, being a Jesuit Brother is about attentiveness – where in each space and within each person do I see the Lord working? How am I being invited to accompany others in their work and the missions offered to them? In this sense, being a Jesuit Brother for me is being just that – a brother.